Meanings Behind Emotion

Hey all! Thank you so much for your comments and keeping us updated on your lives as well. We have been astonished at how God has blessed us with such dedicated friends and family. Your relationships are valuable beyond measure to you...we are grateful!!

As I continue to expand my relationships with the hospitable people of Nigeria, I am blown away at how big God is. You see, I used to understand my "closeness" to God through my emotions. However, I have learned that God is MUCH bigger than my emotions can sense. I am also learning that my emotions are so variable and not dependable (maybe this is also part of being a woman;). God is bigger than my internal experience of Him. Certainly my human experience is larger than this as well. It involves intellect, physical assertion, dreams, soul, emotion, and thoroughly, relationships. I am a highly emotional being (again, womanhood...). It is how a lot of experiences have created meaning for me. The intensity, extent, and type of emotion that gives rise to my experiences often gives creed to my future experiences, passions, hopes, and efforts I put into my circumstances. Being in Nigeria stirs emotions for me. Not strong emotions all the time, but certain emotions are somethings stronger than others. These emotions can be tied to previous experiences that I have had linked with similar emotions. For example, I have been interested with eating behaviors and patterns, especially related to my own experiences with the ties between emotions and food. My emotions, then, become particularly intense when I see children here suffering from malnutrition. I wind up feeling very guilty about my experiences regarding overeating and eating behaviors and seeing children who are starving. How can I overeat when these children are not getting enough food? How can I live in solidarity with their experience? I feel a strong sense of guilt about my life. I have been harboring guilt for feeling so insecure about our financial situation and seeing how people here trust the Lord and have so little finances. It is very relational...we are rich here. That is certainly not the case in the United States. I feel guilty for being so stressed about finances, for overeating when I see people starving, for having so much, when I see people who have so little, for arguing and treating my family poorly, when I know they would do ANYTHING for me, and people here are widows and losing children, husbands, parents, and are so grateful for their relationships. But then, I question myself for feeling so guilty. The people here are vibrant, resourceful, grateful, faithful beyond my comprehension, inspiring, living in unity and beautiful harmony with God and their communities. Why do I feel guilty about the circumstances of people who are living in immense joy, even amidst their suffering? Why should I feel bad about that? Why should I feel guilty about God's Glory being revealed through their suffering, faith, trust, and perseverance. One woman said at support group the other night, "God bless HIV". She experienced God's glory to a fuller extent, which she felt blessed by-how beautiful, why would I feel bad, or guilty about THAT? I feel partly responsible for the condition of the people's circumstances here. If I were less greedy, would they be better off? If I bought clothes only from second hand, and not too many, would they be better off? If I did not overeat, would they be better off? If I was more resourceful, wasted less, used less, and gave more, would they be better off? These have become personal questions with personal faces and stories.

I am also becoming very humbled. God is humbling me by reminding me that He has plans for me, to prosper me, and to help me grow. I am learning that my own plans are frugal. They are cheapening God, and He knows more about my world than I do. This is demanding a lot of my trust, when I am very tempted to try to control my future. God is continuously challenging this and keeping me in recognition of Him. It is a beautiful, yet challenging venture. I am thankful.

Torn
My hopes are selfish;
I know my impure heart.
I look all around me and
God is alive-I see.
I see Him. I see me.
I seek what is right.
But find myself back at me.
I feel insecure in it all.
I know that I fall short.
Yet I feel proud. Prideful heart.
Always competing, How can I seek justice?
I want a fuller life
One found through You.
I want a real existence
Traded for lies and schemes.
I want love of myself.
I want love for others more.
I need peace, I need assurance.
More than a feeling or emotion.
I need more of Jesus in my life.


Needs
Discovering God's heart,
Through my own mind.
What do I own? I have it all.
Yet I am always needing, always wanting.
I see pain, I see need.
All the same it is joy and fullness.
Many opposing forces-heavenly ties.
Hell in front of me-but there is a Light.
The Light shines bright, yet the guilt intrudes.
Is it right to feel bad, does it increase God?
Heaven is alive, even with the pain,
How do I include myself in the experience,
The intruder keeps me at bay of the Life.
Jesus is near. He is coming.

Love you all!